(I'll take a tip from Lexia and call this:) Confession #1

You know, sometimes I wish I wasn't a dreamer. Sometimes I wish that I didn't wish. Sometimes I wish that I didn't want certain things to happen in my life.

I know what I want, and I want a lot. I know that I can attain some of these things. I know that I can't attain others. But what really scares me, what petrifies me more than I can express, is wanting something that I'm not sure I can have or can not have. That uncertainty is, yeah, what drives people. I understand that. Desire is good -- it's motivating. I get that.

But if I didn't dream about what my life could be like if I only tried harder, I'd actually live life a lot more.

I'm scared of failure, just like everybody else. But I believe that it's only failure if I see it as failure -- I don't care (as much) if somebody thinks I've failed. What I am really, really afraid of is that I won't amount to anything in my own mind. That is FAR scarier to me.

I'm just tired of realizing that situations won't happen. I'm tired of having the rug pulled out from under me through no fault of my own.

[Addendum: Blah. Sorry for making y'all read my whining.]